Study Shows Migraines May Harm Relationships

May 21, 2021 dotcomwomen

1 in 4 Migraine Sufferers Say Their Condition Impacts Their Marriage

According to the Migraine Research Foundation, in the United States alone, 39 million men, women and children suffer from migraine headaches. Worldwide the numbers are even more staggering, amounting to about 1 billion people. Migraines can affect your professional life, social life, and your ability to parent your kids the way you’d like. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that suffering from migraines could also have an impact on your relationships — especially close ones.

Adding Pain to Your Personal Life

As any migraineur can tell you, the pain of an attack has a way of making everything difficult. From carrying on a conversation to offering emotional support to your spouse, there are a number of ways the discomfort may affect your ability to put in the effort required to maintain relationships.

Simple tasks such as grocery shopping or chores might also be impossible during a migraine attack, meaning your partner has to do more than their share. This may put a momentary strain on even the best relationships, and when it happens over and over, it could become a longer-term problem.

For migraineurs and their partners, having to cancel plans due to an attack might be a regular and frustrating occurrence. And when it comes to intimacy, an impending or active migraine can be more disruptive than a cold shower.

Does Your Partner “Get It”?

Unless your partner has the same condition, chances are your spouse or significant other has a hard time grasping just how debilitating a migraine can be. A study of migraineurs conducted in August of 2020 reveals the following:

80% of non-migraineurs feel that people might fake a migraine to avoid going to work
30% of non-migraineurs say that a migraine might be used as an excuse to avoid household chores
25% of non-migraineurs feel faking a migraine is used as a way to get out of having sex

So aside from the migraine itself, having a spouse or partner who doesn’t understand or totally buy into your pain might add insult to injury. If you’re in a relationship with someone who suffers from migraine, consider these findings uncovered by the same study:

1 in 4 migraine sufferers say headaches have put a strain on their marriage
15% of brides with migraine were miserable on their wedding day because they were fighting a migraine episode
48% of men with migraine say they have cancelled a first date because they were fighting a migraine episode
43% of women with migraine say the have cancelled a first date because they were fighting a migraine episode
18% have lost friends due to migraines

What you’re seeing in these statistics isn’t just physical pain. Consider the emotional toll of dealing with a migraine on your wedding day, or putting off a promising date due to an attack. Think of those whose friends have dropped the relationship, maybe because they thought their migraine-suffering friend was using their pain as an excuse to cancel plans. It all adds up to a big effect on relationships.

In other words, there is much more to migraines than migraines.

How to Keep Migraines From Affecting Your Relationships

While you might not be able to keep migraines out of your relationships completely, you can find more productive ways to cope with your condition that help those close to you understand — and even join you in the fight. They may not be able to take away your pain, but you can help them grasp how much it impacts your life.

Talk to Your Support Network

Instead of isolating yourself because of a migraine or withdrawing in fear your condition will take a toll on your relationships, try to actively communicate your needs. This guide from the American Migraine Foundation is designed to help you do that. Perhaps being more open about your condition and how it has affected you will help those who love you get a more realistic view of what you’re dealing with. Let them support and care for you to the extent you’re comfortable.

Plan Ahead Based on Triggers

If you keep a migraine journal, you probably have a pretty good handle on the things that might trigger migraines for you. Often, they occur at times you can predict. If you’re a woman, maybe certain points in your menstrual cycle are a trigger. Perhaps specific changes in the weather affect you. Maybe your migraines are related to sensitivity to certain types of light (precision tinted lenses, like those made by Axon Optics are designed to help with this). If you know your triggers, this might help you plan family responsibilities, social engagements, or romantic activities around them to some extent.

Don’t Play the Blame Game

Both migraineurs and non-migraineurs can avoid placing blame on the other when plans have to be cancelled, responsibilities pile up, or sex has to wait. Migraine is a disease. It’s far more complex than a headache and requires more than a couple of ibuprofen.

Although migraine affects both the sufferer and those who love them, there is no blame to rest on anyone. Whether you or your partner is suffering with migraine, it’s something you are both facing together. Migraine is the problem — not your partner.

Tackle Migraine as a Team

While you may be suffering physically, migraine can take a significant emotional toll on those who love you as they helplessly watch you deal with the pain. The more you can approach your migraine management as a team, the more united you can be. Here are a few things you can try doing together:

Research new migraine treatments
Participate in migraine-related events, such as walks or fundraisers for research
Cook meals together based on migraine-friendly foods

A Word About Migraines & Intimacy

For couples affected by migraine, intimacy — and migraines getting in the way — can be a hurdle. Many migraineurs don’t even want to be touched during an attack, no matter how much they love their partner. Try planning ahead based on your triggers, and telling your partner ahead of time the things that are likely to help you feel better. By being a little proactive, you may be able to make your situation more bearable. Make sure your significant other knows that “not right now” is a temporary response based on temporary discomfort, and doesn’t mean never.

Accentuate the Positive

When you’re in the middle of a migraine attack, it’s easy to fall into self-pity. You might feel like you’re facing your condition alone. But don’t forget: your partner, best friend, and family love you and want to help. As powerless as you might feel against your disease, they may be feeling just as powerless to help you deal with it. Working with those who care about you most might not only help you ease your pain, but could draw you closer to those you love.

About the author:

Dr. Bradley Katz, MD, PhD, is a neuro-ophthalmologist and professor at the University of Utah Medical Center and founder of Axon Optics. Dr. Katz’s research expertise includes light sensitivity (“photophobia”) and neurologic conditions associated with light sensitivity, such as migraine and blepharospasm. He’s been featured in Parents, Prevention, Migraine Again, and Elite Daily.