Important Tips for Handling a Divorce With Kids

Dealing with divorce is never easy. Although the rate of divorce in America has decreased over the past several years, the fact remains that just under half of all marriages end in divorce. When you have children, the separation can feel that much more compounded. No matter what your marriage is like, your children will be affected by it—whether they’re old enough to feel a ripple effect now, or may be affected by it in the future. Because of this, how you handle the divorce process is critical. Here are a few tips for handling divorce with kids:

Talk to Them About the Breakup

Kids are fairly intuitive, and they may have a feeling something’s not quite right in the household. Rather than allow them to piece together the clues on their own, sit them down to have a candid conversation. Ideally, both parents will be present to have this discussion. Every child is different, and the delivery of this discussion depends on their age and maturity level. The most important thing is that you keep your personal feelings of anger or pain out of the talk—those emotions can easily be transferred to your children, whose initial reaction will largely depend on how you deliver the news.

Avoid placing blame, and be sure to let them know they had nothing to do with it and did nothing wrong. Let them know that things change in life, and sometimes it’s best for parents to live separately in order for everyone to be happy. Afterwards, answer their questions and try to be as honest as possible. For instance, if you know you’re going to court for custody, refrain from making promises about who will live where or how their time will be divvied.

Maintain Active Involvement

Unfortunately, divorce can be accompanied by a stressful custody battle. It’s hard for a couple to decide what’s best for their children when they’re going through tough times and may feel resentful towards one another. However, there’s no denying that both parents should remain actively involved in their children’s lives. As a mother, you may feel naturally entitled to full custody of your children and total control over their well-being, but it’s important to recognize that if you alienate your children from their father, it could hurt you in the courthouse.

“Judges will attempt to determine what’s best for the child, and if the father figure in their life is upholding their parental responsibilities, they’ll want to know why you’ve kept the family apart,” says National Family Solutions, a firm that handles father’s rights in Texas. With this in mind, understand that children should never feel forced to choose between parents, or to lose out on time spent with either of them.

Make Consistent Arrangements

After a breakup, you want your children to enjoy time with both parents. Come together with your ex to create a schedule and system that works for everyone, and stick to it. As previously mentioned, because you should both be actively involved, there are situations where everyone might be together, like a sports game or parent-teacher conference. However, you also need to incorporate separate schedules. As a parent, it helps to create an alternate plan in the event of a letdown. For example, if your ex doesn’t show up, you might want to have a backup activity planned so as not to create additional feelings of anger and pain among your children.

Help Them Cope & Transition

Once the divorce is finalized or close to being finalized, focus on hoping them cope. By now, the news has settled, but that doesn’t mean they’re handling it well. Sometimes, their unhappiness shows, but other times, it’s an internal battle that’s difficult to identify. Encourage them to talk about their emotions by asking questions and legitimizing their feelings. Offer them support when they need it, and be consistent about asking how you can help.

You may need to be a little more giving than normal during this time. For example, an extra toy here and there, a trip to the movies, or small getaways can help them feel better about the transition. This doesn’t mean you have to buy their happiness, but it does demonstrate that you want them to feel better during a tough time, and this can go a long way. If you find that your child is having a particularly tough time, consider taking them to therapy, where they can talk about their feelings in confidence and learn effective coping strategies.