Could I be Spoiling my Child?

Continued

IV]

Question: We're determined not to let our six-month-old girl grow up spoiled. Is it possible now to get a child to behave simply because she wants to please her parents? How can we motivate her to do that?

Dr. Sana Khan:
The middle road between strict and permissive tends to produce cooperative children who have good self-images. First, you have to learn your child's behavior so you can understand her reasons for what she does. Once you respect and understand her, you can add firm expectations and discipline.

Your baby's quest for limits is coming soon. Starting at seven or eight months, and from then on, she'll let you know when she needs discipline. And remember, discipline means teaching. It is the second most important thing you give a child (after love) because its ultimate goal is self-discipline. Meanwhile, you can motivate her to please you by reacting to her with positive, caring responses. Smile, coo, hug-love her at every chance when she wants it. This loving back and forth lets her know that her positive behavior elicits the same.

Question: We have a wonderful eight-year-old who is generally a delight. She has a new best friend who expects to have everything she wants all the time. This friend is at our house a lot, and she's often rude and demanding. She tells my daughter that we're stingy because we don't give our child all the material things that she has. I don't think I should have to put up with that kind of behavior. What do you suggest?

Dr. Sana Khan:
Stand your ground. Material things don't determine how loving a family is or how well they bond and build closeness. Tell your daughter, "In our house, we don't live that way. I'm sorry, because I know how it makes you feel when your friend seems to get everything she wants." You should absolutely expect this other child to live up to your limits and your way of life while she's at your house. Don't try to knock the way her friend acts, just put limits on the friend's behavior that both she and your daughter can understand.

VI]

Question: My wife says it's old-fashioned to think you can control kids. I disagree, but so far, her approach is winning. We have three children under age six, and they basically run our house. When they have tantrums, jump on the furniture or throw food, my wife just shrugs. If I try to discipline them, we get into a fight. Can you help?

Dr. Sana Khan:
You and your wife need to back each other up on all the important decisions, including how to discipline. Otherwise your children will sense your lack of unity and feel insecure. There's no question that it's difficult when you and your spouse disagree about discipline, but the goal is to handle your opposing views in a way that won't burden your kids or impede their chances of learning.

Sit down with your wife and share your beliefs and feelings. You need to try to understand each other's approach. Once you do, you'll be better able to respect it. From there, you can agree to let go of your polarized positions and try to come more toward the middle. Remember, a child can learn to deal with each parent's style as long as mom and dad's disagreement about discipline doesn't become more important than the discipline.

VII]

Question: We have two boys, ages 8 and 10. The older one says we prefer his brother. The truth is our younger son is a much easier child, and we probably do say yes to him often, mostly because he asks for less than his more demanding brother. Should we change something we're doing in order to make our older son happier?

Dr. Sana Khan:
I'd surely try. Plan a special time with him alone. Then you and he can get to know each other better, and you can be present to share his concerns and his jealousy. Talk about your planned time together all week so he can get the feeling that you feel specially about him. He is expressing what all older brothers feel (I did, until my brother was 50). Even if it isn't reality, he knows it gets to you. So change your pattern to let him know how much you care about him-even if it's different from how you feel about his brother.