CLICK HERE TO ASK A QUESTION

When my 4 year old son hits or talks back, I usually take him to his room to
cool off. Often he refuses to stay in his room and so I tell him that I will close the door if he does not. When I close the door, he kicks and hits it. This is my problem. I do not know an appropriate consequence for this. He doesn't usually scratch the paint or do any type of damage to it that he can help fix. He does cause the door to not close properly. Also, I do not feel it is right for him to abuse furniture or property. Please share any logical consequences for this behavior.
 

Kelly Answers: The 'time out' rule that I learned back in child development class was that the 'time out' minutes should not exceed the minutes of a child's age. The 'time out' rule that I added is that 'time out' does not begin until the crying and acting out has ended. So my first thought is that it might be a mistake to take a child who is manifesting a good old fashioned fit and try to leave him alone in a room.

I would opt to take him to his room, sit him on his bed and then tell him that you will stand there and wait for him to be finished with his tantrum and then you will talk to him about his behavior. For instance:

"Tommy I know you are angry but it is not okay for you to talk back and yell at me (or kick me or kick the door, whatever has happened). I want you to get a grip on yourself right now and then we will talk about it." Then simply stand there and wait. Do not respond to screaming but do intervene if he tries to get up and throw something. You may need to remind him that you are not going to talk about it until he has calmed down.

The point to make in this is that you are in charge, not him.

Now I know a boy who will scream and fuss for fifteen minutes before he get's bored with it and gives up. I'm sure that there are kids out there who can go longer and kids who will need you to nearly sit on them to keep them from kicking you or worse. But I promise you that if you will stand your ground and stay in charge, it will never last that long a second time. The tantrums will get shorter and shorter.

Once he has calmed down you can sit next to him and tell him that it is not okay to behave that way and give him an idea of how he could have responded differently. Ask him to apologize for the bad behavior and then let him know that you forgive him. Now that he is calm and you have discussed it peacefully, you can tell him that that you are going to give him four minutes to sit quietly in 'time out' and then you will call him and let him know he may rejoin you. Now you can leave him alone. Be prompt with your four minute time's up and then welcome him back gladly and thank him for taking his discipline so well.

As with any other new discipline, you should sit your son down on a good day and let him know that you are no longer going to put up with temper tantrums when he needs discipline. Let him know exactly what to expect. Then follow through.

And please, do not ever give in. The only thing that will accomplish is to make the next tantrum longer and harder to survive for you.

On a side note: My son kicked a hole in his door one day when he was nine and furious with me about something. He was mortified and instantly repentant. He cried and told me that he had kicked it many times before and never made a hole. I had to laugh even though it was not funny. I realized I had allowed him several times to stomp into his room and kick the door without dealing with it. What a mistake! Because all little boys eventually become big boys and the same behavior that seems kind of cute at four is downright obnoxious at nine or ten!

CLICK HERE TO ASK A QUESTION

CLICK HERE FOR PAST ARCHIVES OF THIS COLUMN