How to Support Your Child After College Without Enabling Them

In the past, when a child graduated from college, he or she became self-sufficient, started their own families and pursued their careers. In present day, however, this scenario has become less prominent. A Pew Research Center poll recently found that more than 60 percent of American parents had provided financial support to their adult children, and 36 percent had an adult child leaving in their home. With fewer full-time jobs available and massive student loan debt, recent graduates are finding it more difficult to become entirely self-reliant. Though parents are willing to assist their children, some wonder how much help they should offer and for how long. When does helping become enabling? For parents struggling to do what is best for their adult children, here are the do’s and don’ts to help them appropriately support their children during this phase of life.

Do: Set firm boundaries gently

Specify what you will and will not assist with. Ask your child to name ways that you can be supportive that do not involve money and commit the feasible ones you can manage before offering to shell out cash. If money is a necessity, decide in advance what it is that you are comfortable offering financial support with — maybe you don’t mind helping with your child’s student loan payments but feel their living expenses should solely be their own, or vice-versa. Make this clear from the get-go by having a serious conversation with your son or daughter. Let them know that you love and believe in them, and that you will assist them as they shoulder more responsibility in life but that you will not carry the load for them.

Don’t: Provide so much support that your adult child becomes unmotivated to help him or herself

Every family’s circumstances are different but the concern here is the same. When does helping become enabling? If you fail to set boundaries, you make it easy for your child to lean excessive on you. Remember that it may be easy for him or her to fall into the relationship pattern that existed between you before college and that it may be tempting for you to offer more support than necessary.

Do: Help them create a budget

Considering that in a recent poll 79 percent of college students surveyed did not know the difference between a traditional bank and a credit union, assuming that your child understands finance might be a mistake. Help them evaluate their monthly income and expenses, and to anticipate new expenses. It’s likely that your child will no longer be covered by your health insurance nor by student coverage plans, so helping them find affordable health insurance and allowing them to pay for it themselves will emphasize the importance of never going without health insurance. If your child is inexperienced with handling their own money, keep the budget simple. A decent budget should roughly designate 50 percent of income to necessities (food, rent, utilities, insurance), 30 percent to non-necessities or wants (like new clothing and entertainment) and 20 percent to a savings account.

Don’t: Pay for frivolous expenses

Parents want to see their children happy and are accustomed to purchasing gifts for them so much so that one study indicates that more than 30 percent of parents are still buying clothing for their adult children and almost 20 percent dish out funds for entertainment. This can send the wrong message to your son or daughter about budgeting.

Do: Give them more responsibility

If your adult child has returned to the nest after college, make sure they have a list of household responsibilities and that they contribute, to a degree, financially. He or she could pay for groceries, the utility bill or phone service. Requiring them to pitch in will help them in their budgeting and feel more responsible for the household.

Don’t: Do your child’s laundry

Some mothers have a difficult time not taking care of their children in a domestic setting, but by completing tasks like laundry and cooking for them, you do them a disservice. This encourages their dependency on you and undermines the work you may have done in setting boundaries and goals of independence.

Do: Have an exit plan

Plan to withdraw any financial help slowly and set dates in the beginning to do so. Generally, parents provide support for their adult children for roughly 12 – 24 months to allow the kids time to gain their self-reliant footing. After that, begin to pull back on what you fund slowly by ceasing the cash flow for small expenses. For instance, you could agree to help with their car payment for six months and their cell phone bill for 12, then follow through with the set deadline.

Don’t: Expect your child to do something you don’t

Your children look to you to be an example so be transparent about your finances. If you demonstrate frugality, your child may follow your lead. If you keep track of your credit score, your child may understand the importance and do the same.

Of course you want what is best for your child, but the blurry line between assisting and sheltering is easy to cross. To be supportive without entirely supporting your adult kids, follow the do’s and don’ts outlined here. By establishing boundaries and a budget, by giving them more responsibility while preparing to pull back slowly, you will be there for your child while setting them up to succeed on their own.